Meet yours truly, competitor of the day, nº 259 in Tadcaster Triathlon, Gilly Payne. The lady who takes great pride in climbing big mountains, running around little mountains and rushing through UK mountain collections under big time pressures! In deed, she seems to love all there is to do with mountains & endurance events. She is one to relish jumping on two planks of wood & throwing herself down and even off mountains & couloirs just to see if her body breaks. And it does! Now there's a surprise! Its all in the name of madness really! But she always goes back for more & the risks get bigger & the trips get trickier! So why on earth is 'Ms Madness' shaking like a leaf at the prospect of going for a little paddle, pedal & plod around North Yorkshire with all her best mates bellowing support from the side lines!?
I guess, the thought of being submerged in the pool by Tadcasters Michael Phelps and mounting her bike to pedal for England (or at least Tadcaster) against Wetherbys Mark Cavendish before sprinting as if her life depended on it next to Yorks Jane Thomlinson is more pressure than even she can take! And on top of that, Ms 'I don't do clothes' has to dress & undress herself 3 times in the process! All in the name of fun! Excuse me but where does fun ever enter into this particular equation? I think I need to Google that word & re-Wikipaed it in my brain. Can you Wikipaed something? Well, you can Google something so why not Wiki something or even better, re-Wiki something!
Its times like this that one calls up Mother! Always there for me & always wondering what her mad daughter will attempt next, she just giggles at the end of the line when I explain my dilemma:
"Mum, I think I am going to die! My heart is about to erupt out of my chest like something out of Alien, its pounding so hard right now! I think I could fuel Campbells' Bluebird with the amount of adrenalin pumping round my body at this moment in time!"
God forbid that the heart pops whilst in the pool, now that could be a messy situation! Would they charge me for emptying the pool or does Mr Drinkwater foot the bill? I'd like to see him drink that water after such an incident! What are the Aids risks associated with this one? Oh, for heavens sake Gill, shut the "…." up!
But then, like some automata, I get dressed, eat my banana, down my beetroot shot & walk the walk, to face my fate!
Please note that Beetroot shots don't look great when they re-appear! Be prepared but don't be scared of Beet-wee!
After a long sermon on the ups and downs of our holy Tadcaster water & the A's, B's & C's of Tri racing, I (Ms Blue) find myself standing in the 5th lane with Ms Red, White & Green. All those years at Uni being labelled 'The Blue Nun' & here I am, once again, stuck in the Blues! I am sorry but just remind me how I ended up here?
Is this fluke or has Paul Drink-dirty-water intentionally put 4 Tri-Virgins in a lane together? Thats quite comforting except that Gilly is, on average, 15 years older than the rest of the pools inhabitants! Why oh why, did she quote such a quick swim time? The 'Biggest Boy' (the athletic one, not the 'couchy spud') pointed out:
"Its because you always push yourself Mum…. to extremes!"
I've started swimming! When did that happen?! Why am I doing this? Why am I drowning in public? Why have a put myself in here for total public humiliation? I'm tired, so very very tired. Think Gill: Bottom up, head down, arms bent, pull straight, diaphragm breath…
Before I know it, it's all done & I am clambering out of the water. I never was one for fannying about when it comes to getting dressed & I am off at a run, leaving many others patting themselves & pulling socks on. Throwing my goggles, car keys & towel at Mr Tape who is hidden in the bushes, I pound up the pavement towards the brewery. No, I haven't gone off the rails (Yet!) but our bikes are racked in the car park up there.
I'm on my bike now & looking forward to a gentle pedal & rest time. Its a chance to draw breath after semi-suffocation and ingesting half the pool. This is my recovery phase! The words of 'Big Brother' (the Tri Pro in the family) are ringing in my ears:
"Don't kill yourself in the pool Gill, or on the bike. Just save yourself"
And for the first time in her life, his little sister has listened!….Soft pedaling now for 8 short miles Well chuffed at overtaking blond bombshell at the last post before dismounting at a run & sprinting back to the racks. Shoes off, shoes on, top off, glasses on, helmet off & RUN!
But what's this?….Stitch! I was awaiting the dead leg syndrome typical of the bike/run transition but hadn't expected this….Its the worst ever.
For 4 hard miles, I am running doubled up in pain before it's all hemmed up and slowly fades away. I am so touched by all the friends and family supporting me: Mrs Nutrition, Mr & Mrs Tape & Ms Pilates, The Priory Team & the Biggest Boy (aka the athletic one) are all there to keep me moving.
I have concluded that I just have to keep my eyes on that rather large bottom belonging to Blond Bombshell (I still don't understand how she is in front of me again! Where did that happen?)
On to the rough wiggly river path heading back to Tad & the cows, cow pats, dogs & camera men are all cheering their heads off.
The bottom is still joggling up and down in front of me & is rather mesmeric, acting to distract me from the pain. If I can keep up with it then surely I must find myself coming to the end of this torturous path at some point!
Time for a little self talk me thinks:
"You can do this. You are getting there. You are doing this. You've done far worse than this. You've been in more pain than this. Think of the cake after this!
And there they were again, all the mates, at the finish, clapping me in. I made it & finished in a perfectly respectable time for a first and last triathlon.…..
Or will it be?!
P.S. Gilly Goat will be sprinting her way around the 10 kms route in the team event at Castle Howard Triathlon on 27th July, 2014!!!!
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